I vividly remember an encounter I had as a young woman in the Lord. An older woman in our church was giving me a piece of wisdom that I did not appreciate. It had something to do with the security of the believer, or lack thereof. I remember not the exact words which were given. But I do remember one thing.

The dissonance. I had received certain truths into my spirit which had been the cause for much rejoicing, and I was very protective of that world. It surrounded me. The contradictory dissonance rang in my ears in such a way that I was afraid to let it continue.

After all, if I let my worldview shatter, then I would be vulnerable. I would have to work hard to rebuild my understanding. Seeking out the truth can be time-consuming, and I believe many, myself included at the time, are far too lazy to be such a seeker.

Seeking the truth diligently is rather akin to being in a perpetual construction zone. It can be messy. And overwhelming at times. Chances are that as soon as one area is finished, another one will be crumbling and require attention. Yet continued diligence in this area will yield a world view which is strong and likely to crumble much less completely and much less frequently. The key is: let it crumble!

I believe in the world of Christendom it is very easy for people to ride upon another’s understanding. And to blindly follow another’s world view without having tested it themselves. This is why it is very difficult in some churches to ask questions. After all, who are we to question what Bible scholars and great pastors have “figured out” before us? Certainly we must respect our teachers and learn from those around us. But I have heard it said that any pastor worth his salt will be rejoicing when questions abound about the Word of God. I agree! And we plan to find such a pastor, as we are currently seeking a new place of worship, closer to home.

But truth seeking is not limited to the Bible; though to the yielded Christian that may be the only important thing. God gave us a brain and put us in a rational world; a world that makes sense. We can use our minds to understand that world. I believe we have a responsibility to peel back the layer of deception which is often found in mainstream media, and to be a seeker of the truth in all areas of life; to disallow the worldview of ease in our lives. We can do this in many different ways. The internet provides a way to look at history as it is happening, instead of waiting for the polished (often inaccurate) version to show up in a textbook. There are some very reliable news sources today. Just by having a mindset which questions instead of accepts, we can filter through a myriad of errors.

One of my favorite Christmas specials is Mister Bean’s Christmas. In this hilariously funny episode, Mr. Bean goes shopping for some Christmas ornaments and he chooses two shiny balls. He decides to test them by bouncing them upon the hard cement floor. The first one shatters. He is undeterred, and throws down the second one, which amazingly bounces right back up. He smiles, satisfied that he has chosen the best decoration, and moves on (note that he broke it, but he did not buy it ).

I like his courage. He is not afraid to test something beautiful and fragile, though it may break, and in the end he has a durable, beautiful ornament that he can be proud of.

In my mind that willingness to forge ahead and find the truth, whatever the cost, is a true mark of maturity. For the last few years or so I have listened eagerly when others expound about the truths they hold dear, and I am thankful that I have learned to tune out dissonance (usually ), as I examine my particular view of the world for flaws. My world view has changed, as a result, and I believe this is a very good thing.

These thoughts are the result of watching a passionate truth-seeker in action. I have grown to admire and emulate my husband’s journey to find a truly consistent world view.

Note to husband: Nathan – you inspire me! I think you have the most consistent world view of anyone I know, and I love you for your love of the truth. I thank my God for you always…

“Eeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!”

I winced at the high-pitched scream from the back seat. Turning to face the perpetrators, I questioned my son and daughter carefully. The truth came forth easily. It was a case of mistaken provocation. We were driving along in our van on the way to our campsite in Iowa for vacation. My daughter had leaned over to get her crayons, which had dropped to the floor, and leaned into my son’s pillow. My son, assuming he was being provoked, reached out his arm to shake off the annoyance. This provoked said scream from nose-bopped daughter (as well as the following discussion and this blog-post ). The fact that the annoying behavior was expected shows that one child is not guiltless. Both children are responsible for their reactions and for the expectations others have of them based on past actions (parents are also responsible to train their kids up right, but that is another discussion).

After the above incident, Nathan and I were discussing the reasons that annoying and provoking one another is such a problem, given that unpleasant consequences are often directly evident. Is the demonstration of power and manipulation more important to the child than the potentially painful consequences? Does the child forget that such consequences exist, or is he just so self-centered that he can’t see them? Certainly Godly parents will strive to train their children up to see the folly of such actions and to look out for the best interests of those around them. Yet provoking behavior & consequences is certainly not limited to siblings.

A particularly good example is the way women dress. If a woman chooses to wear short, tight-fitting or otherwise alluring clothing, she is likely to provoke men to lust; certainly some men more than others. She is also likely to have consequences for her provocative behavior. She may end up compromising her innocence on some level (sometimes the consequences for this come sooner, sometimes later). Or she may end up being raped or murdered, having become a target of some man who lacked restraint. The point is, if provocation occurs, consequences should be expected.

But this begs the question – is she entirely to blame? No, not entirely, but she bears more responsibility than our society would lay at her feet. Consider David and Bathsheba. Bathsheba could certainly have chosen a place to bathe which was less visible than a rooftop! Modesty here may have averted a long chain of disastrous consequences, including much bloodshed, and the death of an innocent baby. Yet here was King David, taking a stroll on his veranda, obviously idle during the times when kings go to war. (Perhaps industry is the cure for much provocation? My little ones just need more constructive activities! ) Many would lay the blame for the heinous sins that followed entirely in David’s lap. I believe Bathsheba bears partial blame.

Another example of provocation is a tad controversial, but still deserves attention. Many Americans believe that we were attacked on September 11th solely because we are the subject of unprovoked hatred; that Muslims hate us merely because we are free and because we are “rich”. This is simply not the case. Since before I was born, we have had a military presence in Saudi Arabia, considered to be the Muslim holy land. I question, along with Congressman Ron Paul, “what would we do if they were building bases here?” Would we not be provoked by such an action? It is simply not logical to provoke someone, and not to expect consequences. I agree with Congressman Ron Paul that we have a flawed foreign policy; it is not our job to be the policeman of the world. The consequences, or “blowback” of such provocation are simply too great.

So the inevitable consequences of my ramblings brings me home to My Father’s Words…

“From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? 2Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.” James 4:1-2

“And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works…” Hebrews 10:24

“And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. 16He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. ” Mark 16:15-16

“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Col. 3:21

“But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.” Col. 3:8

This weekend, after reading a portion of the book The Mother at Home, I had a revelatory moment. (Currently I am re-reading this book with some other ladies over at Candy’s site). The lightbulb came on when I realized that I am to be a more active emotional participant in bringing about the good attitude of my child. As opposed to laying all of that burden on the child. To elaborate, consider the following scenarios:

Child Alone
4-year-old Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and decides to remedy the situation. “Bobby, stand up straight.” Bobby is distracted and agitated. But he straightens up a little. Mother is firm. “Bobby, a joyful heart is good medicine. Smile and let go of your grumpy attitude.” Bobby obediently smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He goes into the living room and looks at a picture book while mother works on lunch.

Mother Participates
Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and ruffles his hair and rubs his back. Bobby responds immediately to the affection by drawing near to his mother. She looks him in the eye and smiles at him. Then she gets out a number game. They sit and play a few rounds. By the end of the game, Bobby has forgotten whatever was making him grumpy, and his eyes smile up at mother. Soon it is time for lunch, and Bobby, feeling closer to Mom, asks “Mama can I help?” They work together in the kitchen getting lunch.

In the first scenario, the child is expected to do the brunt of the emotional “work”. In the second scenario, the child is helped by the mother to become cheerful again. It reminds me of a few scripture verses…

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” -Proverbs 15:1

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.” -Psalm 37:23-24

I think it is easy for a mother to respond with aloofness to a child’s emotional trauma, as she attempts to be the firm disciplinarian (for some moms, being a brick wall is harder than others . Granted, each situation is unique, but responding instead with gentleness, and upholding the child as he gets his “emotional footing” seems to be a much more loving and Biblical position. I think Proverbs 15:1 speaks for more than just “wrath”. A gentle answer has the power to turn away all manner of negative stirrings in the heart.

As I considered this, I realized that I desire the same thing from my husband. There are times when I am dealing with some difficult emotions which are hard to just shrug away. I remember telling him, “Nathan, you don’t realize what power you have! Just looking in my eyes and giving me a gentle touch is all it will take to melt away the struggle I’m having.” Surely my emotional reactions are not the responsibility of my husband; I consider it my duty as a wife to be pleasant and cheerful. Yet learning to be sensitive to one another, to “let our gentleness be evident to all” is something extremely beneficial to any relationship.

About 6 years ago my life was forever changed by a new understanding that I am not a slave to my emotions. God suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that I was being emotionally manipulative at times. It was a huge eye-opener for me and the catalyst to a sweet and precious aspect to my relationship with my husband which continues to this day.

Soon after that, I latched onto a teaching which encourages parents to correct negative emotional patterns in small children. Now as I consider this change, I realize that it was like a swinging pendulum. I was on my guard against the emotional manipulation, and so I adopted a no-nonsense attitude in regard to negative emotions (crying, whining, grumpiness); I believe I was so focused on preventing the bad emotions that many times I forgot to foster the good ones!

Now God is bringing balance, and it is surely His delight .

I remember when I was part of BSF as a young woman, just 2 years married, and we studied the minor prophets. Through the study, I became convicted of my own preoccupation with my house. I was spending time trying to decide what furniture to buy, and spending too much time cleaning. (If I’d known then what I know now, I would have spent that time learning! How to sew…how to garden…how to cook…the list is longer than I’d like )

When I really sought God about how I could be joining His work instead of being so caught up in my own world, the only thing that continued to surface in my mind was this: mentoring a young person. It made sense to me that God would use me in this way because I had gone through such hard times myself as a youngster.

So, I prayed for an opportunity to do just that. And, feeling emboldened, I even prayed that I would have an opportunity – within the week! I was on the lookout wherever I went.

However, I was still very surprized when I went to work three days later. At the time I was the secretary for Hawkeye Area Youth For Christ, and the Executive Director, John Sellers, was often giving me updates on what was happening with the ministry. On this particular day he shared with me something that surprized him greatly. He said that parents of youth would sometimes request a mentor for their son or daughter. But never had a youth approached him wanting to be mentored, and John was not only surprized, but beside himself because he currently had no female volunteers who were available in this capacity.

I immediately began to weep with joy and excitement. I was so thrilled because I had never had more direct communication with God. Sure I had felt that God was speaking to me before (mostly through the Word), but the directness of the communication made me feel so close to Him. It was like this in my mind:

Me: God, what do you want me to do?
God: Here, do this.
Me: Yes, Lord!

So, I embarked upon a relationship with a sweet girl named Amanda. We worked out together, had Bible study together, prayed together. I know that I probably made quite a few mistakes. I was too bold at times. I probably talked when I should have listened at times and vice versa.

But for me, the entire experience was glorious because there was not a shadow of doubt in my mind that I was doing EXACTLY what God wanted me to do.

Now I am in the trenches of motherhood and longing for such glory. In my mind I am aware that what I am doing is worthy. That He is pleased with my choice to stay home with my kids and homeschool them. But I am lacking that intimate communion with the Lord which makes what I am doing truly glorious!

Four years ago I had a four-year-old boy, a 3-year-old girl and a 15-month-old girl and my house was in chaos. The children were very much out of control and my psyche was in a shambles. I remember falling on my face before God, asking Him what I could do to restore some semblance of order in the home.

The Lord brought me to some wonderful ladies online who shared beautiful testimony about their home lives. The common link these ladies shared was a wonderfully sweet communion with God. There was much listening and obeying between the mother and God. And these ladies also shared some great resources which had impacted their parenting. I feel that God redirected the course of my parenting through their precious testimony and shared resources.

And so I come to the conclusion that maybe I am listening lately for some grandiose directive from God, when I should be listening for small directions throughout the day…perhaps having conversations like this:

Me: God, what is the problem with me and my daughter?
God: Love her with your time…. “Each of your should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

or

Me: God, give me wisdom!
God: LISTEN. To your children. Then to Me. “My sheep hear my voice and obey it.”

This can be a hard thing for a mother in the trenches; especially for a mother with multiple young children. Yet I long to be stronger in the Lord. I long to be more attentive to His voice.

And to be obedient.

I want to be the man who laid his foundation on the rock in Luke 6:46-49:

And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will show you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.

Elizabeth Elliot writes in a recent devotional:

“What agonies I suffered as a young woman, straining my ears to catch the voice, full of fear that I would miss it, yet longing to hear it, longing to be told what to do, in order that I might do it. That desire is a pure one. Most of our desires are tainted at least a little, but the desire to do the will of God surely is our highest. Is it reasonable to think that God would not finally reveal his will to us?”

She is speaking of the big picture, I the little. But the principle remains the same. The Lord will honor the one whose true longing is to do His will.

So I pray for myself and other moms in the trenches…

Lord, still my soul from the business which is such a part of my life. Facilitate for me the clarity of mind needed to listen attentively to your voice. I want to hear you. I want to obey You. I need to hear and obey your voice. I need to be able to hear inside of each moment and pause for your everpresent whispers. O, be still my soul….

Note: If you’d like to subscibe to Elizabeth Elliot’s daily devotional, click here. And follow the links. It has been wonderful encouragement to me!

Sometimes it’s easy to see what needs changing in others. The reactions and actions (or lack thereof) around us reveal so much about people. Especially little people, who aren’t as adept at playing behavior games as adults are . But when the clouds roll back, the Sonshine always lays bare the naked truth: our children are a reflection of ourselves. They learn what they live and mimic the behavior around them. And we are a reflection of our own devotion. We reflect back our own sinfulness by focusing on ourselves. And we reflect back His glory and joy by focusing on Him.

So, in spite of emotions to the contrary, I must make my prayer…change ME, Lord!

Deborah and I rolled through Walmart together recently. She was so excited to be there, and soaked up any interesting experience she could find. She exclaimed over the beautiful fish and lamented at the poor lobsters whose claws were rubberbanded shut. I, on the other hand, was very much lost in my thoughts and the misery of my cold. Toward the end of our shopping excursion, my attention was finally drawn to Deborah, who was acting up in the veggie section. I realized in a flash that the quality time I had meant to spend with DJ had been lost in my thoughts as well, and that she had noticed.

Defined as “giving care or attention; watchfulness,” attentiveness seems to have a greater meaning than I initially attributed. Here is the meaning from the Online Etymology Dictionary:

1340, from O.Fr. diligence “attention, care,” from L. diligentia “attentiveness, carefulness,” from diligentem (nom. diligens) “attentive, assiduous, careful,” originally prp. of diligere “value highly, love, choose,” from dis- “apart” + legere “choose, gather” (see lecture). Sense evolved from “love” through “attentiveness” to “carefulness” to “steady effort.”

I think of my military days of “ATTEN – TION!” and it takes on a more dramatic connotation. It can be practiced, but is not useful unless it is acted on. For example, I may notce this mispelled word, but if I am too lazy to fix it, then I have not used my attentiveness for good.

There is an aspect of preventiveness to the word attentive, which applies to all facets of life. Being attentive can mean the difference between life and death, between happiness and despair, between marriage and divorce. Attentiveness to the picture your child painted could prevent the world from being deprived of a great artist It may also prevent a host of emotional difficulties that an emotionally ignored child may face for years to come.

Attentiveness is a quality which has an outward focus, like most character qualities. The etymology above states that the sense of it originated with “love” and evolved into “steady effort”. This is fascinating in that the origin of this word is tied to the greatest Christian virtue of all.

“4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (1 Cor. 13)

I think that attentiveness must hover near the eyes of the body of Christ, urging them to see. Sometimes it takes a great effort to really focus on the needs of others; to draw ones attention away from self and into the needs around them. Christ epitomized this great effort in Gethsemane, when He asked God if the cup of His suffering could pass away…”Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” (Luke 22:42)

Paul also spoke of this effort in Philippians 2…

“4Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. 5Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”

How can we emulate such devotion? Certainly it is unlikely we will have to choose death in order to meet the needs of those around us. But Jesus wants us to have that same mind that He has. The mind which is able to focus steadily away from self and to be obedient unto the most difficult of callings…even death. But the needs that we have to meet usually just mean one thing…that we may not be able to do the things that we want to do. In motherspeak: read a story instead of cleaning the floor; fix a meal instead of reading a book; involve toddlers in the slow process of getting the laundry sorted instead of whipping through it yourself (which is so much faster and easier!); talk to the daughter who is shopping with you instead of thinking about your next project; focus on the husbands needs for a time in the evenings instead of working, reading or sleeping.

It is not possible to have such a mind unless you are present in the body of Christ. After all, His mind is in His body I believe one of the most successful ploys of the enemy is to cause believers in Jesus Christ to think they are separate from Christ, effectively cutting them off from having the mind of Christ.

I ponder all of this today because I am the queen of distraction! This is a fruit that those around me need to eat more of (I know, attentiveness is not listed in Galatians 5, but I am certain it must be a genus of the family of love )

Lord, I turn my face to your sunshine this morning, wanting to grow! Help me not to be distracted….

My husband once explained to me an approach used in computer programming, called the iterative approach. Here’s how it works: the programmer erects a basic program framework with minimal functionality. He then begins to pass through the program, increasing it’s functionality with each iteration. When he shared this with me, I recognized myself and said “hey that’s ME honey! That’s how I do things!”

At the time I was packing up our little ranch house in Iowa and preparing to move to Missouri. Nathan had “moved” down there already, into Uncle Perry’s spare room, and I was left with the exhilarating challenge of caring for 4 children 6 & under while fixing up, packing and selling our house (FSBO – to save money). I had realized that I didn’t stand a chance of being completely organized unless I had gone through everything before sealing up a box, so I left open boxes all over the house, and each time I “swept” through the house, I would put things where they belonged. By the time I had “swept” through 5 or 6 times, I felt that order was the prevailing force and chaos was receding. Hallei-lu-ia! [If you didn't sing that, then read it again for proper inflection.]

Incidentally, I considered this time to be one of the best I can remember with my kids for the simple reason that I had packed away every single toy and they only had library books, their favorite stuffed toy and some paper and crayons. Oh, the simplicity of it! It was marvelous indeed .

This sweeping process has greater application to our lives than just packing. As I began to ponder it’s greatness, it became clear that the “all or nothing” mentality that I’ve always associated with my psyche, was simply not helping me to be the person Christ wanted me to be. For instance, in my early twenties I would put myself on a workout program and become immediately discouraged and give up when I missed a few. Or when I wanted to wake up earlier in the morning for special times with the Lord, I would sleep in a day or two and then conclude that I was useless and not even try to wake up early the next morning. I was holding up standards for myself and then failing to fulfil them. I felt that I had to do it right the first time and I had very little grace for myself. Paul speaks about this standard in Romans; showing us that even our efforts apart from the law, to hold up our own standards, fall far short. We jump like dogs through our own hoops, trying so hard for that perfect performance, while the perfection of Christ lies undonned. “Put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.” (Romans 13:14) The Body of our Lord, worn in full assurance of faith, is certainly the only way to walk in holiness for the Christian.

I believe that there is a distinction between character flaws and “sins of the flesh”. The distinction has to do with our will. The Psalmist writes “keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.” (Psalm 19:13) When we react to a situation with impatience or irritability, rarely is it presumptuous; in fact sometimes we are not even aware of it until afterwards. But when a woman sits down to eat an entire chocolate cake, or when a man heeds Satan’s call on his computer, it is a choice made to fulfill the lust of the flesh. This is where freedom in Christ shines forth in a believer who has realized his liberty from the bondage of sins of the flesh, and is great cause for rejoicing.

The former consideration, that of character, is what I ponder here, for this has been a struggle for me as a parent. I have realized that this iterative process which gave great results while packing my house gives great results in my character as well. Each week I start out, sweeping across the chords of patience, kindness, goodness and self-control. But it is not long before a note of dischord is heard. In fact, hearing it sometimes discourages me from trying further.

I must stop here and give praise to my sweet husband, who has helped me immeasurably with his simple encouragement: “Just apologize. And try again.” This leads to praise for my Lord and his “won-derful words of li-fe”. He is the one who told me to listen to said husband. But I digress.

My point is simply this: The Lord taught me to keep on keepin’ on. He taught me to persevere in my desire for Godly character; to keep practicing the chords in my quest for sweet music. Have I arrived yet? By no means, but I have changed and I rejoice greatly, for “we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” (2 Corinthians 3:18) Hallei-lu-ia!

Joshua was playing in the bedroom when I called him. I tried to use just the right tone of voice – not loud enough for him to think I was emotional, not so soft that he couldn’t hear me. He peeked around the corner at me, somewhat hesitant. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t immediately come, but when I smiled my biggest smile at him, it was just what he needed to push him in my direction. The smile changed it from “I know she wants me to come, but I really want to be in the bedroom” to “I know she wants me to come and I want to go and be with her because she enjoys me!” This may sound like a trivial distinction, but when you consider that training is merely building habits of obedience into little hearts and minds, it becomes an essential tool. Add to the mix that the parent, in focusing on the smile and enjoyment of the child, is training a habit in themselves of reacting to that child with enjoyment – there is truly a recipe for successful training.

On the other hand, if the child is trained without joy, he may learn to obey most of the time, but I am convinced that this a sure way to lose his heart. He won’t be obeying out of love and a desire to please you, but because he wants to avoid negative consequences or pain.

The power of it is overwhelming! To think of a child who is raised with a pattern of wanting to please the parent who takes great delight in him! In the hands of the Lord, such a child would truly capture the heart of God. Who knows? Maybe that’s how King David was raised.

I am certain that such an attitude was not bred into me, but by the grace of God I am what I am. I have seen that will to please the Lord in myself, and the fruit it has produced in my life. This bears witness that there is a God who has made provision for us in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. “…we also should walk in newness of life” (Rom. 6)

Being joyful at all times is something I have by no means mastered; but it remains a main focus, and I have observed something worth noting about patterns of behavior: They are unique to each relationship. Building a pattern of relating with joy to your 2-year old does not mean that you can, humanly speaking, turn to your 8 year old, with whom you have a pattern of relating with criticism, and suddenly relate to them the same way. So, early attitude training becomes vital, because it is a much more difficult endeavor to suddenly change all of your patterns at once than it is to build each pattern correctly from the beginning.

I can sense the questions… How can I build this pattern? And how do I change wrong patterns of relating to my children? The book To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl is the best book that I have found on child training, and they emphasize the joy aspect like no one else. They also have lots of great articles on their site and they were named by The Old Homeschool House Magazine in 2004 as having the best character training material available. So I defer to the experts.

Lately I have been doing some soul searching. My thoughts have centered on my faith and how uncentered I was for so long. When I came to believe Jesus Christ 15 years ago, it was a joyful reality, like being born. And my life changed outwardly. I became a church goer. I became a Bible-study attender. I became a “prayer”. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that I was really saved; But in reality, deep deep down I knew that I was still me. I was still ruled by the desire to eat cookies for comfort; prone to depression; critical; enthusiastic about starting but not about finishing; unable to rise up to the high standards which I had set for myself; wanting to just throw aside the body that seemed to weigh me down. And even in the midst of “Christianity”, I began to search for that wonderful truth that would set me free. I searched in prayer groups. I searched in seminars. I read books. I prayed and fasted. I memorized large passages of scripture. But I continued to be in bondage to one degree or another.

It wasn’t until I returned to a simple faith in Jesus Christ two years ago, that I realized He alone was the road to freedom. The path that He traveled was meant for me also. When He died, I died. When He was raised from the dead, I was too. This was different from the ticket-gospel I had embraced at salvation. This put more stock in the pure gospel of Jesus Christ, not only for my salvation, but for my sanctification. And it opened my eyes to the fact that there are a lot of the world’s “self-help” ideas within the church, cleverly disguised with spiritual jargon. Since that point, Jesus Christ has become my lifeline, my only hope. I think before I had hope that some action that I could take would lead to deliverance and a miraculous change in my behavior. Like I could pray myself , or fast myself, or memorize myself into freedom. I am so thankful that I don’t believe that anymore. There is nothing that I can do to be free from the sin that so easily entangles, not only because I am incapable of crossing the chasm, but because God has already opened the door of freedom. He will not make another way. The ONLY WAY to be legitimately free is to walk according to what God says is true, believing God. And to trust in that alone. I have heard it described like this: a precious, valuable gift is given in love, and when the receiver attemps to offer a paltry sum, it is insulting to the giver! “Just receive, my child!” I can hear God saying. We feel like we have to put up some kind of performance in order to be worthy to be in God”s presence. The truth is, we will never be worthy to be in his presence. Period. Christ is the only worthy one. It is only when we believe that we are really part of Jesus Christ, that the miracle of true fellowship with God exists. Halleiluia! God, You are so perfect.

Right now, I am in a state which seems degenerative. I’ve been noticing some character flaws that just won’t seem to go away. I’ve been distracted by cookies and having some very stressed out Mommy moments. In general feeling like a failure. But I will never again wonder, “how can I be free of this mess I seem to have made of my life?” I know that there is only one answer, despite my itching ears. Jesus Christ. And I will hold onto him with all of my might, because without Him, what’s the point, really?

“Buried with him by baptism, wherein also ye are risen with Him through the faith of the operation of God, who hath raised Him from the dead.” Col. 2:12

“And be found in Him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith. That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; 11If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. 12Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus. 13Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 3:9-14

Today is Nathan’s birthday. He is 33 years old. I kept telling him how marvelous it is to be 33, but I don’t think he believed me until today. Just kidding! The Italians believe that there is something special about turning 33. They refer to it as the Anno de Cristo, the Year of the Christ. According to folk tradition this is a year reserved for revelation, being Christ’s age at his death. For us and many other unworthy individuals, revelation is already present with the understanding of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. But there is always room for deeper understanding. Who knows? Maybe Christ will pour out more grace on us this year

For me, birthdays are wonderful, for the sole reason that they bring us one step closer (from the physical perspective) to being with the Lord forever. And there is something precious about that step! It is a step of faith in many ways, to take it eagerly (like children! ). To run toward death, eagerly embracing that which has already occurred (see scriptures below) is to bring a smile to the face of our Lord, for without faith it is impossible to please Him. And pleasing Him must be our goal, or really, what’s the point?

“We are buried with him by baptism into death, that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.” – Romans 6:4

“For ye are dead and your life is hid with Christ in God” – Col. 3:3

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he that cometh to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.” – Heb. 11:6