Well, the week without David and Joshua was quite a rush! It went by fast, and it has been so nice to be together with the girls and little Jonathan. We played and read and spent an afternoon sewing with our wonderful sewing teacher Linda. Actually I sewed and the girls did “fabric art” with Linda – they had so much fun! We also had friends over and guess what? I painted the school room! It is a lovely warm brown color (mostly) with some bright yellow accents – so relaxing. My dear Nathan gave me an entire evening to paint, and then I finished up on two separate early mornings before the children woke up. The problem is that now I am excited about painting, and I don’t want to stop painting :0. The original paint on the walls is flat, and any touch or smudge on the walls is sooo vivid. I can’t wait to get color and shine, both to hide dirt and make the walls easier to clean. Easter weekend was spent with family in Illinois, where we “chilled out” and retrieved the boys.

I wrote earlier about working on some heart issues with the children, and the Lord zeroed me in on the importance of loving and serving each other throughout the week. This article by Beka Pearl has some great ideas, including Hero Cards, which we have begun to implement this week. The concept is simple. The child who is focused on loving and serving his siblings/family may be awarded a “Hero Card” for the day. If they earn 5, they are to “take out” the family for ice cream. Of course the family gives much praise to the “hero” who made such a wonderful treat possible . Rebekah Joy is so excited about the whole thing, and has already earned one!

I have found such joy in speaking to the children about our purpose, which is to love and serve each other and bring glory to God! Each and every action that we take should be to this end, and liberty from the bondage of self is surely found in this steady undertaking. Really thinking about the reason for our activities is such an excellent activity for our minds; sloughing away the drudgery and making way for the true blessings of the Lord. When I speak to the children about this, I am speaking also to myself, and this focus is so needed for me right now. Camilla wrote an excellent article which gels perfectly with these thoughts. You’ll have to read it to find out why, but I can’t get the picture out of my head of a robot chanting mechanically, “What about me? What about me?” I am also challenged to come out of me and get behind the child as a servant, meeting his perceived needs instead of giving him what I think he needs.

In closing, I sing…

“For by him were all things created that are in heaven, and that are in earth visible and invisible, whether they be thrones or dominions or principalities or powers, all things were created by Him and for Him.” – Col. 2:16

Recently I’ve been pondering the way I have trained each of my children. Here are my thoughts for each child:

1st Born: Disiplined with diligence; yet given far too many “rules” and “no’s”. He was not technically trained, for I remember wondering over and over again, “does he really understand? Maybe not.” And so he was likely nearing 2 by the time I got my butt in gear. In many ways he fell through the cracks due to my own ignorance. How different it may have been if there had been a Godly woman who understood training to mentor me at the first. At this point I had been through the class “Growing Kids God’s Way”, but had not read any other childtraining materials.

2nd Born: Okay, my firstborn, who had been doing very well, was suddenly testing his boundaries. I had a hard time keeping him in line, and I unconciously became lax. When questioned by my husband as to why I seemed to be less diligent with her, I realized that I had come to the conclusion that it hadn’t worked with David, so why try with Deborah? My second-born played alone very well, and it was easy to leave her to play while I got on with “life”. (ha!) There was some degree of emotional manipulation, but I didn’t know yet how to deal with it. I still had no mentor, and no further instruction regarding childtraining.
3rd Born: Once Rebekah Joy came along, things were becoming a little chaotic. By the time she was a year old, I was beginning to come apart at the seams. I remember falling on my face before the Lord and crying out to Him in desperation. After a long time praying I settled down at my computer and began to do some searching online. This was the first time I had thought of such a thing,oddly enough, and the Lord lead me to a website (I’ve since lost the link) of networked ladies who shared all kinds of wonderful testimony. There were several ladies there who shared sweet testimony as to the joy of living their days in close communion with the Lord (in retrospect maybe that is what He wanted me to hear, way back then, because this is what makes a mother joyful, and training without joy is less effective). They also shared resources that have helped them in their parenting. So I purchased “To Train Up a Child” and some other training materials which had less of an impact. Rebekah began to be trained with a switch at about 15 months. Several weeks into the training we were absolutely amazed because we had a different family. The children were responsive, obedient and happy!

4th Born: By this time, I was determined to squeeze all I could out of the training time. My will was set – absolute consistency. I remember that I would ALWAYS get off the couch to correct – even when I was nursing. Joshua responded beautifully to training. But there were some times when I feel I drew battle lines when he really needed to know he was loved. I demanded more of him when I should have gathered him close and loved on him.

5th Born: Jonathan just turned one, and so far he is truly the “baby”. Everybody loves him and he is always joyful and so much fun to be with. He receives much gentle instruction, and very few “no’s”. One “no” has been for electrical cords. Another “no” has been for my plants in the kitchen. Little flicks on the hand have been more than sufficient, and definitely enough for him to realize that it’s much more fun to be in fellowship with Mommy. The other day he was in the living room and he stood with a hand holding the phone cord which hung down from the table. I said his name calmly from a few feet away, and he craned his head around to look at me. I said “no” calmly. He immediately dropped the cord and toddled forward. This was very impressive to me, because his last “no” training had been at least a week ago.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is so much better to have fewer boundaries that hold firm, than it is to have lots of fences all over the place. The many fences are too difficult for any parent to maintain, and likely to become points of disrespect.

I realized that he truly understood the word “no”, and that I could expect him to obey me now. Yet I know that I must choose my battles wisely. If I’m going to say “no”, I’d better be putting down my dishtowel immediately – prepared to win the battle. For instance, if my baby is moving to turn over the trash while I am in the shower, I’d better be prepared to get out of the shower and deal with it right away. If I choose to stay in the shower and say “no!” in ever increasing volume until he looks my way in amazement, then I have introduced a new game, where I am the puppet and baby pulls my strings and watches me dance. It is so ap-parent to me as a parent (I think lots of things become trans-parent in this occupation – is anyone else hearing this echo?) – the truth in the Proverb about a man who lacks self-control being like a city with it’s walls broken down. A city with it’s walls broken down is powerless, because another has been given the power. We can choose to give the power to our children, some other person, or to the Lord. Whom do I trust more? Hmmmmm… let me see. The answer is obvious, but in the thick of life, our trust is fickle.

Now, lest any of you assume I am a paragon of virtue where training is concerned, I must disappoint you. I absolutely LOVE training my kids; especially when they are very little, and so responsive. However, we have some areas which need help. For instance, we have not licked whining. It is a habit with some of the kids. I wonder if I have grown used to it and occasionally give them what they are asking for, or if they have just done it for so long that they don’t know how to stop. When I hear it, I make sure that they don’t get what they are whining for, or that they must still do what I have told them to do, and sometimes more. To be honest, it is a bit overwhelming to “return to the standard” when things get out of whack with 5 kids. Truth be told, I am not presently where I need to be with the Lord (do I smell the sweetness of a sister praying for me?). So I just “keep on keepin’ on”. And I am so thankful that “He gently leads those that have young.”

This weekend, after reading a portion of the book The Mother at Home, I had a revelatory moment. (Currently I am re-reading this book with some other ladies over at Candy’s site). The lightbulb came on when I realized that I am to be a more active emotional participant in bringing about the good attitude of my child. As opposed to laying all of that burden on the child. To elaborate, consider the following scenarios:

Child Alone
4-year-old Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and decides to remedy the situation. “Bobby, stand up straight.” Bobby is distracted and agitated. But he straightens up a little. Mother is firm. “Bobby, a joyful heart is good medicine. Smile and let go of your grumpy attitude.” Bobby obediently smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He goes into the living room and looks at a picture book while mother works on lunch.

Mother Participates
Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and ruffles his hair and rubs his back. Bobby responds immediately to the affection by drawing near to his mother. She looks him in the eye and smiles at him. Then she gets out a number game. They sit and play a few rounds. By the end of the game, Bobby has forgotten whatever was making him grumpy, and his eyes smile up at mother. Soon it is time for lunch, and Bobby, feeling closer to Mom, asks “Mama can I help?” They work together in the kitchen getting lunch.

In the first scenario, the child is expected to do the brunt of the emotional “work”. In the second scenario, the child is helped by the mother to become cheerful again. It reminds me of a few scripture verses…

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” -Proverbs 15:1

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.” -Psalm 37:23-24

I think it is easy for a mother to respond with aloofness to a child’s emotional trauma, as she attempts to be the firm disciplinarian (for some moms, being a brick wall is harder than others . Granted, each situation is unique, but responding instead with gentleness, and upholding the child as he gets his “emotional footing” seems to be a much more loving and Biblical position. I think Proverbs 15:1 speaks for more than just “wrath”. A gentle answer has the power to turn away all manner of negative stirrings in the heart.

As I considered this, I realized that I desire the same thing from my husband. There are times when I am dealing with some difficult emotions which are hard to just shrug away. I remember telling him, “Nathan, you don’t realize what power you have! Just looking in my eyes and giving me a gentle touch is all it will take to melt away the struggle I’m having.” Surely my emotional reactions are not the responsibility of my husband; I consider it my duty as a wife to be pleasant and cheerful. Yet learning to be sensitive to one another, to “let our gentleness be evident to all” is something extremely beneficial to any relationship.

About 6 years ago my life was forever changed by a new understanding that I am not a slave to my emotions. God suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that I was being emotionally manipulative at times. It was a huge eye-opener for me and the catalyst to a sweet and precious aspect to my relationship with my husband which continues to this day.

Soon after that, I latched onto a teaching which encourages parents to correct negative emotional patterns in small children. Now as I consider this change, I realize that it was like a swinging pendulum. I was on my guard against the emotional manipulation, and so I adopted a no-nonsense attitude in regard to negative emotions (crying, whining, grumpiness); I believe I was so focused on preventing the bad emotions that many times I forgot to foster the good ones!

Now God is bringing balance, and it is surely His delight .

Last night I stayed up until 3am. And I remembered why I so seldom read fiction books anymore. If I pick one up, it’s usually because it’s really good, and then I can’t put it down. This one was a Ted Dekker novel entitled “Heaven’s Wager”.

It was the story of a man who lost everything in a situation similar to Job in the Bible. In the story, we are reminded of Satan coming before God to insist that he could make a righteous man curse God. A riveting story is woven together of a new challenge. Satan had come before God again and insisted that he could keep an unrighteous man from responding to God’s love (this is actually not revealed until the end). And the author proceeds to write a compelling story of a man who loses everything, just like Job, successfully commits the crime of the century, and then in the end reaches out to receive God’s love and his soul is saved. My favorite part is the faith of his mother-in-law, who intercedes for him constantly and obeys God’s sometimes unusual requests (to move in with him; to walk 8 hours a day on crippled legs and pray for him).

I am challenged by the story to become a better listener. I want to be listening when the Lord says “go and hug that child” or when He says “get in the car and take the kids to the park”. Or when He says “no”, or “yes!” or “humble yourself and apologize”. It is not enough to be in the Word, going to church and teaching the children. I have to be focused on the Lord; to be leaning into His strength and allowing my burdens to seep away in the mountain of might which is El Elyon, the Lord most high.

“And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.” -Isaiah 30:21

I have given this “class” twice in the last few days. With some of our chores, inspection has become the rule rather than the occasion. I remember trying to teach them in the same manner when they were younger, but it just didn’t sink in as well and it took far too long.

I have learned that it is absolutely vital to make a chore “fun” for the littler ones. And to gradually increase the standard. For example, when my three-year-old washes the counter, I tend to overlook some of the crumbs and shower him with “Joshua, you washed the counter, all by yourself! You’re a diligent worker!”. But if my eight-year-old leaves the same crumbs, I must send him back to redo the work. Cheerfully It is absolutely amazing to see the difference in the way the children respond. If I call an older child back to redo a chore, and I am irritated, he will respond unwillingly. But if I am cheerful, he is usually sweet about the redo.

Okay, sweeping class. Here is how it happens. I set the child in front of me and get the broom. I dramatically carve out a square with the broom, and begin to demonstrate sweeping the dirt in one direction (we are going in a circle in our house, around the island). Come to think of it, perhaps we should be “‘rowing” around the island – this would be truly fun! Wow – writing inspires me Anyway, by the third square or rectangle, the child is in front of me and I am reaching around them to help guide their strokes, and by the last shape, they are doing it themselves. They all know how to use the dustpan, and I have implemented the “zero-crumbs” technique with this class, which is taking a wet napkin and magically erasing all annoying crumbs which would stick to the foot in order to invade another room Arrrgghh!

Right now we are taking a break from our normal routine to plan for homeschool. I have found that it is a wonderful opportunity to focus in on chores which have become sloppy. Hence, sweeping class!

I must get breakfast…

Yesterday morning I won a battle with my two-year-old boy. (I make it sound like sometimes he wins and sometimes I win, but actually I always win . Shhhhhh. It’s one of the secrets to good parenting…ALWAYS WIN!)

Josh has a job to do every night. He moves the stools away from the island so that David (7yob) can wipe and sweep the countertop without distraction. Generally he is a wonderful example of diligence with his work. However, I was having him move the chairs in the morning; a routine he was not accustomed to. So, I guess it was natural that he chose this opportunity to assert himself.

He continued to throw himself on the floor and cry, saying “I don’t want to!” I continued to give negative reinforcement with a small switch and encourage him to obey with calm, firm resolve (I always switch my hand first to make sure I am only using enough force to give a SMALL sting). After quite a few cycles of this the heels of my boy were not dislodging and I knew I didn’t want to stay there all morning. However, I told Joshua that I was content to do so.

And then, though I don’t normally do this and I assumed it would be fruitless, I began to lecture him. “Now Joshua, do you realize that Mommy does NOT want to do this? It would be so much easier for me to just move the chairs myself and get on with the sweeping. The reason I am doing this is for YOU. Because learning to obey Mommy is the best thing for YOU. Not because I want to.” I am not a perfect parent, and even as I spoke, I was kicking myself and saying in my mind…. “being cheerful and consistent is the only solution….you are wasting your words on this two-year-old”.

So, imagine my surprise when, without further protesting, Joshua rose up and began to do his job. I watched him in amazement, wondering if he really had a breakthrough in his understanding. I guess it’s not so surprising (he’s a bright little fellow). And certainly my own walk with God always becomes effortless when I have a fresh, deep understanding of His great love for me. Certainly a child is not motivated by one who is perceived to be mean or when the child doesn’t understand that their benefit is your primary motivation. Maybe my little guy is growing up, huh?

As I was reading in Daniel I was arrested by a verse within his intercessory prayer.

“O my God, incline thine ear, and hear; open thine eyes, and behold our desolations, and the city which is called by thy name: for we do not present our supplications before thee for our righteousnesses, but for thy great mercies.” Daniel 9:18

When Daniel draws a distinction between two possible reasons for the Lord answering his prayer, it makes it clear that one of them is a winner. He supposes that if the Isrealites, who had sinned greatly and bore great consequences, were to pray with a sense of their own righteousness before God, that God would not hear. “But for thy great mercies…” is key here and not just because it is the winning reason; the effective way to gain the favor of God.

The mercy of God is a defining characteristic in His person, and I believe that we flatter Him when we believe that He is merciful. We flatter Him because we are focused on Him; because we have chosen to remove our eyes from ourselves and immerse our hopes in who He is; because we believe Him, whom we have not seen. And surely this is the beginning of “delighting thyself in the Lord”.

With raising our kids, it becomes obvious that parents can so easily encourage children to focus on themselves and their behavior. Their own “righteousness” if you will. Have you ever taken the kids to Walmart, promising a reward for good behavior? How about this one: “If you behave well in church, we’ll take you out to eat afterwards.”

There are many ways that parents can foster an unhealthy focus within children. I have realized that motivating them upfront with some tantalizing reward for behavior is not the right thing to do. Surely rewards are a good thing, and it is very effective to foster a cause and effect relationship between good behavior and positive feedback and sometimes rewards. But I am convinced that it develops an unhealthy focus in the child to lay out the reward beforehand, dependent on their behavior. I understand that there is a distinction between rewards for behavior and rewards for goals and skills. For example, the other night my husband motivated the children to find the missing library book by offering a bounty of 2 marshmellows for the finder. This was very effective and satisfying — just ask Rebekah .

The unhealthy result, I am afraid, is to develop a mental habit within our children of focusing on behavior and fleshly temptations in order to accomplish a goal of goodness and self-control. What foolishness! We all know that this is certainly ineffective at the very least. It has become obvious to me that fellowship and joy is the only true behavior motivator, along with training and certain chastisement when needed.

Which brings me to my point. We must make our character attractive to our children. When they are drawn to the steadfast gaze of a loving parent. And when they are sure that they are delighted in, then they will be motivated to please first the parent, and then the loving God who has drawn that parent into His own steadfast character.

Ok, so I’ve been trying to focus in on teaching my kids to love and serve one another, and the only thing I’ve been able to come up with is negative training, where a child who has offended another is required to serve the offended child in some way (ie serve them a cup of ice water). But now I’ve decided that it’s got to be a regular part of life. After all, what child was ever trained well from rebuke and consequence alone? They’ve got to DO the right thing! Instead of just being told not to do the wrong thing.

To facilitate this goal, David (my 7yob) is now responsible for overseeing Joshua’s (2yob) bath and Deborah (5yog) is now responsible for overseeing Rebekah’s (3yog) bath in the morning. Now, some oversight is still necessary, obviously, at bathtime, but I am thrilled that my kiddos will be taking care of each other in this way! And I am all ears for other ways to proactively train a loving and serving mentality in kids. What do YOU do?

Tonight I gave everyone extra vitamin C, a spoonful of colloidal silver and a squirt of peroxide in thier ears (myself included). Hopefully when we wake up, the sickness blossoming in our noses (ahhhh-chooooo!) will have shriveled up and died .

Joshua was playing in the bedroom when I called him. I tried to use just the right tone of voice – not loud enough for him to think I was emotional, not so soft that he couldn’t hear me. He peeked around the corner at me, somewhat hesitant. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t immediately come, but when I smiled my biggest smile at him, it was just what he needed to push him in my direction. The smile changed it from “I know she wants me to come, but I really want to be in the bedroom” to “I know she wants me to come and I want to go and be with her because she enjoys me!” This may sound like a trivial distinction, but when you consider that training is merely building habits of obedience into little hearts and minds, it becomes an essential tool. Add to the mix that the parent, in focusing on the smile and enjoyment of the child, is training a habit in themselves of reacting to that child with enjoyment – there is truly a recipe for successful training.

On the other hand, if the child is trained without joy, he may learn to obey most of the time, but I am convinced that this a sure way to lose his heart. He won’t be obeying out of love and a desire to please you, but because he wants to avoid negative consequences or pain.

The power of it is overwhelming! To think of a child who is raised with a pattern of wanting to please the parent who takes great delight in him! In the hands of the Lord, such a child would truly capture the heart of God. Who knows? Maybe that’s how King David was raised.

I am certain that such an attitude was not bred into me, but by the grace of God I am what I am. I have seen that will to please the Lord in myself, and the fruit it has produced in my life. This bears witness that there is a God who has made provision for us in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. “…we also should walk in newness of life” (Rom. 6)

Being joyful at all times is something I have by no means mastered; but it remains a main focus, and I have observed something worth noting about patterns of behavior: They are unique to each relationship. Building a pattern of relating with joy to your 2-year old does not mean that you can, humanly speaking, turn to your 8 year old, with whom you have a pattern of relating with criticism, and suddenly relate to them the same way. So, early attitude training becomes vital, because it is a much more difficult endeavor to suddenly change all of your patterns at once than it is to build each pattern correctly from the beginning.

I can sense the questions… How can I build this pattern? And how do I change wrong patterns of relating to my children? The book To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl is the best book that I have found on child training, and they emphasize the joy aspect like no one else. They also have lots of great articles on their site and they were named by The Old Homeschool House Magazine in 2004 as having the best character training material available. So I defer to the experts.

After a conversation with a friend recently, I dug up this article I wrote a few years ago…

???Mommy, put your hand over mine.??? Demanded my 3 year old son to his surprised mom. We were making cookie dough and I was reluctantly allowing him to participate. I am one of those moms who dislike messes and I tend to stress out when my kids help me turn a messy job into a REALLY messy job.

???Mommy is always working, and I want to be working too!??? This so well expresses the toddler who hovers near his mother in the kitchen, always wanting to be involved. This same toddler may many times be redirected by his mother. ???Go and play with your toys.??? She might say, thinking of her agenda for the day and how in the world she is going to accomplish everything that needs to be done. Over a period of time, when consistently redirected thus, a child will begin to lose interest in the tasks of his mother, preferring instead to play with his toys. This child is being trained well. ???Mommy will do all the work. My job is just to play.??? When he is a little older, it may be difficult to change this child???s worldview. A mother may think that her child is old enough now to begin doing chores. She may approach her 7-year old, or her 9-year old or her 12-year old with a job he or she is now responsible for. She may be greeted with a blank stare, or an incredulous look or outright rebellion. But certainly not the delighted participation which a toddler exhibits. Training your child to stay with you is so important. To slow down, escape from your agenda and simply delight in his presence and efforts is difficult if it is not your habit. But the alternative will leave a mother in shame (Proverbs 29:15). Jesus set for us the perfect example in the scriptures. He said ???My Father worketh hitherto, and I work.??? There is nothing more wonderful in this life than to participate in the Father???s work. To let Him put His hand over ours and help Him. Let us not deny our children the same joy.

As God began to teach me this truth, I asked Him to loosen me up. One day we were in the kitchen making cookie dough and He really answered this prayer! We ended up using our fingers to mix the dough and the mess was unbelievable. But mommy was cool and the delight of the children was contagious. IT was sooo worth it!