Well, the week without David and Joshua was quite a rush! It went by fast, and it has been so nice to be together with the girls and little Jonathan. We played and read and spent an afternoon sewing with our wonderful sewing teacher Linda. Actually I sewed and the girls did “fabric art” with Linda – they had so much fun! We also had friends over and guess what? I painted the school room! It is a lovely warm brown color (mostly) with some bright yellow accents – so relaxing. My dear Nathan gave me an entire evening to paint, and then I finished up on two separate early mornings before the children woke up. The problem is that now I am excited about painting, and I don’t want to stop painting :0. The original paint on the walls is flat, and any touch or smudge on the walls is sooo vivid. I can’t wait to get color and shine, both to hide dirt and make the walls easier to clean. Easter weekend was spent with family in Illinois, where we “chilled out” and retrieved the boys.

I wrote earlier about working on some heart issues with the children, and the Lord zeroed me in on the importance of loving and serving each other throughout the week. This article by Beka Pearl has some great ideas, including Hero Cards, which we have begun to implement this week. The concept is simple. The child who is focused on loving and serving his siblings/family may be awarded a “Hero Card” for the day. If they earn 5, they are to “take out” the family for ice cream. Of course the family gives much praise to the “hero” who made such a wonderful treat possible . Rebekah Joy is so excited about the whole thing, and has already earned one!

I have found such joy in speaking to the children about our purpose, which is to love and serve each other and bring glory to God! Each and every action that we take should be to this end, and liberty from the bondage of self is surely found in this steady undertaking. Really thinking about the reason for our activities is such an excellent activity for our minds; sloughing away the drudgery and making way for the true blessings of the Lord. When I speak to the children about this, I am speaking also to myself, and this focus is so needed for me right now. Camilla wrote an excellent article which gels perfectly with these thoughts. You’ll have to read it to find out why, but I can’t get the picture out of my head of a robot chanting mechanically, “What about me? What about me?” I am also challenged to come out of me and get behind the child as a servant, meeting his perceived needs instead of giving him what I think he needs.

In closing, I sing…

“For by him were all things created that are in heaven, and that are in earth visible and invisible, whether they be thrones or dominions or principalities or powers, all things were created by Him and for Him.” – Col. 2:16

This weekend, after reading a portion of the book The Mother at Home, I had a revelatory moment. (Currently I am re-reading this book with some other ladies over at Candy’s site). The lightbulb came on when I realized that I am to be a more active emotional participant in bringing about the good attitude of my child. As opposed to laying all of that burden on the child. To elaborate, consider the following scenarios:

Child Alone
4-year-old Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and decides to remedy the situation. “Bobby, stand up straight.” Bobby is distracted and agitated. But he straightens up a little. Mother is firm. “Bobby, a joyful heart is good medicine. Smile and let go of your grumpy attitude.” Bobby obediently smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He goes into the living room and looks at a picture book while mother works on lunch.

Mother Participates
Bobby comes into the kitchen, grumpy and irritated. He walks with his head down and shoulders slumped. He kicks a toy into the table, and is obviously dealing with some negative emotions. Mother comes up to Bobby and ruffles his hair and rubs his back. Bobby responds immediately to the affection by drawing near to his mother. She looks him in the eye and smiles at him. Then she gets out a number game. They sit and play a few rounds. By the end of the game, Bobby has forgotten whatever was making him grumpy, and his eyes smile up at mother. Soon it is time for lunch, and Bobby, feeling closer to Mom, asks “Mama can I help?” They work together in the kitchen getting lunch.

In the first scenario, the child is expected to do the brunt of the emotional “work”. In the second scenario, the child is helped by the mother to become cheerful again. It reminds me of a few scripture verses…

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” -Proverbs 15:1

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.” -Psalm 37:23-24

I think it is easy for a mother to respond with aloofness to a child’s emotional trauma, as she attempts to be the firm disciplinarian (for some moms, being a brick wall is harder than others . Granted, each situation is unique, but responding instead with gentleness, and upholding the child as he gets his “emotional footing” seems to be a much more loving and Biblical position. I think Proverbs 15:1 speaks for more than just “wrath”. A gentle answer has the power to turn away all manner of negative stirrings in the heart.

As I considered this, I realized that I desire the same thing from my husband. There are times when I am dealing with some difficult emotions which are hard to just shrug away. I remember telling him, “Nathan, you don’t realize what power you have! Just looking in my eyes and giving me a gentle touch is all it will take to melt away the struggle I’m having.” Surely my emotional reactions are not the responsibility of my husband; I consider it my duty as a wife to be pleasant and cheerful. Yet learning to be sensitive to one another, to “let our gentleness be evident to all” is something extremely beneficial to any relationship.

About 6 years ago my life was forever changed by a new understanding that I am not a slave to my emotions. God suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that I was being emotionally manipulative at times. It was a huge eye-opener for me and the catalyst to a sweet and precious aspect to my relationship with my husband which continues to this day.

Soon after that, I latched onto a teaching which encourages parents to correct negative emotional patterns in small children. Now as I consider this change, I realize that it was like a swinging pendulum. I was on my guard against the emotional manipulation, and so I adopted a no-nonsense attitude in regard to negative emotions (crying, whining, grumpiness); I believe I was so focused on preventing the bad emotions that many times I forgot to foster the good ones!

Now God is bringing balance, and it is surely His delight .

“But Moooooooom…” my child moaned as she fell forward in her chair.

The whine was like a vacuum, sucking the life out of me and weakening my resolve. I am happy to report that not all of my commands are greeted by such negativity, but I’ve realized that my own contribution can make or break a good attitude in my kids, regardless of consistent consequences.

I’ve figured out that my default mode is activity. There is nothing like getting a lot done to put a smile on my face. I think often that I seek out that good feeling by jumping into the day with a list of intended accomplishments. The problem is that my focus tends to get off balance. Sometimes I let my “getting stuff done” part be too important, and I respond with impatience and irritability when that is “interrupted”.

Balance is so important. I’ve determined that to change my default mode, I must focus on the smile, and take the time to really listen and love on my little blessings. The irritation is like a thief, stealing away not only my joy, but also the amount that would have been accomplished had I been focused on an encouraging smile.

The reason for my joy is also key. If my joy receiver is plugged into my accomplishments, then I am going to be one depressed Mama on some days. But if I am plugged into the source of joy Himself, then surely my smile will come first; it won’t depend on something that I do. It will instead spill out of my actions instead of waiting on them.

I found this little poem online and had to share it…

Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner,
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realized,
I’d passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile,
Then realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin,
Don’t leave it undetected.
Let’s start an epidemic quick,
And get the world infected.
(author unknown)

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13

This morning I woke up at 6:45am, and traipsed into the kitchen to make breakfast and lunch for hubby, who was currently in the shower. As I passed the boys door, I knew something was amiss when I found it closed. It is always open unless I close it on my way through with hopes of having more alone time before the kids arise. Lately Joshua closes it also when he gets up (I guess he is just following Mom’s lead ). I found him downstairs playing (at 6:45!) and was just a little miffed that I would have no time to myself . It seems that the children wake up earlier and earlier lately.

Yet the kids and I sometimes have special times in the morning. Josh (2yo) and I will have reading time on the couch. He is my only child in the habit of putting a book away on the bookshelf when he is finished reading it! Sometimes he will stir the eggs for me in the kitchen or put the toast in the toaster. Rebekah (3yo) is learning to crack eggs and I absolutely love it when she comes up to me saying “I want to help you Mama”. I am finding more and more that fellowship is key in children enjoying work.

And what are the obstacles to fellowship? Generally they are found in me. If I am feeling impatient and lost in my own thoughts, then the children feel excluded and would rather be elsewhere. If I send the kids off to work alone while I turn into a whirlwind in order to “get stuff done” then generally someone will decide to play and my time is frought with interruptions (and I am brought to shame). It is much better to empty my “agenda” and fill up my cup with enjoying the children. Joy ties a child to you like nothing else. But it can be difficult to keep them all tied to you at once. I often find that when I am fellowshipping well with one child, another relationship may be failing in some way.

It’s hard to please everyone, but if joy is the focus then a happier and more peaceful house is always the result .

And now I must retire. To quote my sister-in-law Veronica: “sleep rocks”.

Sometimes it’s easy to see what needs changing in others. The reactions and actions (or lack thereof) around us reveal so much about people. Especially little people, who aren’t as adept at playing behavior games as adults are . But when the clouds roll back, the Sonshine always lays bare the naked truth: our children are a reflection of ourselves. They learn what they live and mimic the behavior around them. And we are a reflection of our own devotion. We reflect back our own sinfulness by focusing on ourselves. And we reflect back His glory and joy by focusing on Him.

So, in spite of emotions to the contrary, I must make my prayer…change ME, Lord!

Joshua was playing in the bedroom when I called him. I tried to use just the right tone of voice – not loud enough for him to think I was emotional, not so soft that he couldn’t hear me. He peeked around the corner at me, somewhat hesitant. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t immediately come, but when I smiled my biggest smile at him, it was just what he needed to push him in my direction. The smile changed it from “I know she wants me to come, but I really want to be in the bedroom” to “I know she wants me to come and I want to go and be with her because she enjoys me!” This may sound like a trivial distinction, but when you consider that training is merely building habits of obedience into little hearts and minds, it becomes an essential tool. Add to the mix that the parent, in focusing on the smile and enjoyment of the child, is training a habit in themselves of reacting to that child with enjoyment – there is truly a recipe for successful training.

On the other hand, if the child is trained without joy, he may learn to obey most of the time, but I am convinced that this a sure way to lose his heart. He won’t be obeying out of love and a desire to please you, but because he wants to avoid negative consequences or pain.

The power of it is overwhelming! To think of a child who is raised with a pattern of wanting to please the parent who takes great delight in him! In the hands of the Lord, such a child would truly capture the heart of God. Who knows? Maybe that’s how King David was raised.

I am certain that such an attitude was not bred into me, but by the grace of God I am what I am. I have seen that will to please the Lord in myself, and the fruit it has produced in my life. This bears witness that there is a God who has made provision for us in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. “…we also should walk in newness of life” (Rom. 6)

Being joyful at all times is something I have by no means mastered; but it remains a main focus, and I have observed something worth noting about patterns of behavior: They are unique to each relationship. Building a pattern of relating with joy to your 2-year old does not mean that you can, humanly speaking, turn to your 8 year old, with whom you have a pattern of relating with criticism, and suddenly relate to them the same way. So, early attitude training becomes vital, because it is a much more difficult endeavor to suddenly change all of your patterns at once than it is to build each pattern correctly from the beginning.

I can sense the questions… How can I build this pattern? And how do I change wrong patterns of relating to my children? The book To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl is the best book that I have found on child training, and they emphasize the joy aspect like no one else. They also have lots of great articles on their site and they were named by The Old Homeschool House Magazine in 2004 as having the best character training material available. So I defer to the experts.

I suddenly realized that as I rested here, I had an expression on my face which contained very little joy. I froze my face muscles and rushed to the mirror. Sure enough, I was a dreary picture indeed. My puppydog eyebrows, downturned mouth and bleak eyes stared back at me, confirming what I already knew. Old joyless habits have been allowed to return and easily croud out my inattentive intentions. Intentions without diligence can only bring heartache! But how long has this been going on?

Okay Danielle, ‘fess up. How many times in the last few weeks have you told the children to smile, with such a dismal expression on your face that you surely should have praised them for their tremendous efforts? Surely you know by now that such efforts are futile? More is caught than taught. Sigh.

So now I’m smiling. I can even laugh at myself -haha. In reality, however, it is rather difficult to stay focused on having a good and cheerful attitude at all times. And staying focused for a long enough period for me to memorize the chords can only be of God. My sinful self is certainly not capable of it. But I’ve been in a joy rut and it was glorious indeed! Surely I can return…

“… a man???s wisdom maketh his face to shine, and the boldness of his face shall be changed. ” Ecc. 8:1b

“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Prov. 15:13

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13